LeOna

Driven

Sun, 05 Apr 2009 17:41:09 GMT

5th April 2009

hmm.. ever since the dance concert that I went to on Sat, I was EVEN more driven to like just work out .. have fun .. master hip hop!! =] Just wanna hit my goal faster!! haha.. Wanna fulfil the promised I made to myself.. I have no time le .. I told myself once that I wanted to be back in shape by 20 .. But i'm freaking 21 soon le .. it's like the last of my 20 yr old le la.. wahaha..

I've increased my frequency of jogging.. 4 times a week now if I can afford to.. Although it's kinda bored to go alone. BUT that didn't stop me wor.. haha.. =] So i guess it'll be like I'm almost active everyday .. haha

Just went for a slow jog la .. from luge to cool deck to tanjong beach then back to luge..

should be running tml too.. So i guess it's pretty much like .. Mon, tue, fri, sun??

If I can afford to, depending on the time and stuff.. perhapes.. mon tue wed fri sat sun lor.. haha.. siao right ??.. but after like 1 and a half mths of jogging and stuff.. I really enjoyed myself.. =] ah .. i'm gonna start bringing my mp3 le la.. aiyo.. if not really damn sian .. and i guess with music i'll increase my pace.. !!

damn damn I'm like so hyper now la.. hehe.. I feel very sick when people keep saying that I'm trying to make Ryan regret.. NONONONONO!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARGH...

irritating.. it's just that.. I guess because of this da ji, i'm able to be so goddamn driven and .. disciplined.. so in a sense, i really thank him too..

it's just too bad for me that I wasn't good enough for him.. between us.. my aid was a nuisance to him.. because.. when guys are taught what to do.. they feel lil .. and controlled.. so even though everything i did and say was all for him.. it will never be looked as goodwill.. he should grow up on his own.. he should think on his own.. i know i've done enough.. making him study, making him a lil more knowledgable that before.. more style.. i'm happy.. =] because.. there's nth for me to regret.. except me not fulfilling my promise..

so yeah..

OH!! AND AND AND !!

i bought a pair of slim fit jeans.. sized 25 !! and u know what?.. i can't god damn fit into it!! haha.. COS i aim to be able to wear it by my birthday !!! =] wish me luck.. I WILL do it de.. so .. 15th Dec people... be patient k.. hehe

-chillout

HAPPY!!!

Tue, 31 Mar 2009 17:10:47 GMT

31st March 2009

Yeap. Although many shitty things happened. I'm still VERY happy.. haha.. yes. my phone.. is totally.... GONE!! kua kua kua.. so i'm using this very OLD model of Nokia.. well.. i can make calls.. sms.. good enough for now..

although I hate to admit it.. I'm just darn darn darn happy la.. I have SO much drive in me.. =] beri good ah.. haha it's like in the past.. if i did not have my running shoes or extra clothes with me I'll just go like.. Ah.. nxt time then jog la .. but it's like .. now .. EVEN if I totally forgot to bring my shoes and stuff.. I will like still die die wanna go exercise de lor.. haa.. =] like TODAY! haha .. it's like I totally forgot to bring my shoes and stuff la .. so I specially asked Celeste to bring shirt for me .. lol.. thanks babe! then i just ran with my ticketing shoes la.. 5.5K not bad la.. haha..=]

I really enjoyed the run with Bob and Fairooz.. Yeah.. Rooz is ma jogging buddy .. coz we same pace la..wakaka.. but today really can't run much la.. cos of the shoes and stuff..

I went phone hunting with rooz and Wei Ting as well.. wakaka.. got a few in mind le .. =] but just don't know when to buy it .. need to save la .. haiz.. slowly slowly.. hmm well.. now no rush la .. so .. hmmm relax only .. =]

Met up with Cammy after that .. had dinner and walked around .. =] had a great time with her too.. talked abit here and there .. looked at cute guys.. haha laughing at her drooling at hunky guys.. DAMN fun la.. haha..then Emblose joined us .. haha it was laughter all the way la .. goddammit why is he SO funny ! haha.. and I bought ALOT of things la.. two new tees! wahhaha.. my first tee shirt .. in a sense.. coz im ALWAYS wearing V necks and stuff la.. hardly crew or what.. but .. dance hip hop need ah .. lol.. yeap got a new pair of shorts too.. for the BEACH!! =] and and Thurs going tanning with Silin .. and going out with Cammy again!! hehe I can't WAIT!! .. ahh.. but i still got assignment to do la.. hiyoz.. so must faster do.. but sun .. =] haha.. yeap .. and ah..

today's last activity was met up with Bing and Ching !! woohoo!! even MORE fun and laughter.. hehe .. met up at the mama coffeeshop near ma place and had prata.. then then Ching brought me some snacks that he got from Japan la.. hehe.. Ching.. 2 yrs later we go together ba.. haha.. good luck at NS.. hehe.. aiyo this bing ah.. have been overwrking herself lor.. hope she can get some rest la.. everyday 3 4 am then sleep .. AIYO!! siao u know..

but okay la .. she's gonna relax on the next upcoming sat.. so yeah.. hope to have more fun with her again !!! haha .. then Bing was also saying that .. the 3 of us (ching her and me..) cannot be together too much .. we'll sorta die of laughter .. haha ... =]

Man .. this is the life people.. =]

OH!! and Cammy says she wanna bring me around at KL too .. hehe .. biak la Kakak.. =] sure sure .. muahaha ... happy happy .. haha I'm just SOOOO happy la.. hehe..

-chillout

Regrets

Thu, 26 Mar 2009 06:28:29 GMT

26th March 2009

Celeste asked me. If I was trying to improvise myself so much to make Ryan regret.

No my dear girl. It was me, I don't want to regret. Till date, it's hard to tell who owed who. But I know that I should have kept my promise.

Now that I did and is doing something about my promises, I have no regrets. I couldn't regret too since he was the one who gave up.

I feel good about my determination. I felt revived of my minor success. I felt satisfied. I don't know if others are harbouring the same thoughts that I'm trying to get back at him. But in fact. I'm really not.

Looking back at the times we spent together. I realised that our relationship have been one sided.

He tries very hard to love me, give me things, make me smile. I really thank him. It was suppose to be puppy love not true love.

I am given 7 days. Within these 7 days I want to accomplish all that I've promised him. I will. and after that.. I will erase everything. I don't know if that's avoiding.

I'm aware of who he really love. I really want him to be happy. Some say that I'm silly for still thinking for him despite all that he's done. But that's me I guess. I really did love him with all my heart. So i guess till the end. I just want to see who I loved about him. His smile.

I've learnt that when you really love someone you really gotta let go.

Maybe it's like a mission. I don't know.

I feel intimidated when he's around, and I got goosebumps yesterday when he put his hand around my neck. I don't know what I feel about him now. I don't hate him. I don't think I love him either. I guess I just want us to be happy.

-chillout

Brand new.

Mon, 16 Mar 2009 21:07:18 GMT

17th March 2009

I loved the hip hop lessons.. It was absolutely FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN!!! I feel so alive although tired, but I had great FUN !! =]

I really want the 7 days. But I don't want him to hurt me during the 7 days.. Will he.. ? Can he not?..

I really just want to be happy..even though it's short lived..

I won't be able to see him anymore.. unless..

but will the unless come ?.. I really don't know. Don't think I want to know.

All I know is that I'm focusing one all my goals now. and I just want to accomplish it. I'm happy. Very happy, and keep myself happy even though he did that to me.. Cause, I know there's no point making him dislike me even more with what he don't like to see..

I see myself not having the courage to talk to him.. in person even though I want to. But I always find myself forcing myself not to go near him but my keeps saying no... It drives me crazy when he gives that cold cold face.. that shrug.. as thought I was some ugly creature a total stranger..

sigh.. it's okayz.. all my sorrows here..

tml will be a better day, tml will be a bigger better smile! really, true from the heart.. =]

-chillout

invisible

Sat, 14 Mar 2009 01:38:44 GMT

14th March 2009

One year worth of affection .. He now sees me as non exsistant..

he ignored me totally again yesterday .. not even bothering to take a glimpse at me.. yes.. that's how sick he feels about me.. that's how easy he forgotten about me .. perhapes I've been living in a dream all these while believing that he truly loved me ..

But from his behaviour his attitude towards me .. it seems like he have been cheating on me all these while .. None of those were real ..

Still I refuse to wake up and continue to live in my dreamland .. I blamed myself day after day for hurting him .. I blamed myself day after day for disappointing him.. I blamed myself so much that I totally bypassed the fact that he is hurting me right now ..

I just take it that he's testing me .. My tolerance my determination.. I thank him.. I've been so much stronger lately .. Tired.. yes.. but stronger .. I finally understood all that he has taught me .. all that he has told me to do..

It's not too late .. it's never too late .. cause I'm doing something now ..

I'm creating evolution.. We are only human .. I still believe that one day will come ..

His smiles will be directed to me .. He will look at me eye to eye .. He would ask me to join him for meals ..He will start to teach me more things and tell me jokes once again..

I can't do anything to him .. and I dont wanna hurt him again with my foolishness and rashness.. I have to do what I have been doing.. Improving myself..

I really hope to see results .. I'm giving myself a very tight tough goal .. I want to be able to see visible results in 2 mths time..

I look forward to what I can achieve ..

I don't expect anything .. There's nothing I can expect now either .. I guess the more things man have the more man will expect.. that's how greedy human is .. I need to change that ..

I feel that I'm doing good so far .. But I too.. don't have the face .. to face him.. I look at him .. with longing eyes.. Cause I know he will never look at me face to face in the eye ..

I'll just do what I have to do .. I will fulfil the promise I made to him .. While doing that all I can do .. Is wait.

-chillout

da nan bu si bi you hou fu..

Mon, 09 Mar 2009 16:46:25 GMT

9th March 2009

woah woah woah !!!

Fairooz, Wei Ting and I met into an accident !!'

If it wasn't for the E.brake that the driver did, I think I would be dead by now le .. I will make a small pic of what happened!! wahaha ..

I feel SOO lucky la..

all the more I wanna live on man .. there's SO much more I wanna achieve and fight for.. I wanna prove to myself that I'm really right this time.. My choice to fight on for my happiness.. for myself.. for me.. =]

I've been really truly happily living my life lately...

I've finally opened my eyes to what happiness is.. I can really naturally wear my smile every now and then because I really feel happy just smiling no matter what.. I've also learned not to frown or be sad even though the person I care the most is upset of angry .. Because I know that when that happens.. I should all the more be happy, smile and try to spread the happy feeling to him/her instead of being sad or angry with them.. maybe for a little while ..hehe but I will do my best to cheer the people around me up because it cheers me up too..

I had to fall so hard down to learn it all.. I've learnt it all the painful painful way.. I've grown.. I'm really happy...

I know what I want.. clearly.. I know who I want what I need..

I know it's fast .. I'm efficient baby .. haha

=] VERY VERY VERY HAPPY!!

OH AND .. had lots of fun at the dinner tonight .. bought a new pair of heels !! and cardigen .. yes.. haha happy happy .. muacks!

-chillout

Slumdog Millionaire!!!

Thu, 05 Mar 2009 17:42:35 GMT

5th March 2009

WoOhOo.. yet another event at gold class.. =]

coOl.. hmm the show was okay la .. but I wasn't all dreamy bout the love between the love story .. haha .. coz in the end all I had in mind was.. this kinda devoted man exist meh ??

haha .. it is .. rather the other way round in real life.. haha ..

hmmm .. looking forward to the sing session with Zaimi .. coz that Al .. cancelled on me.. but i totally understand la .. hehe .. coz he's attached now and I don wanna disturb him also ..

haiz .. today Ching also .. pang seh me.. then it's like I went out with this guy names roy .. hmm 1st impression not good at all ...

cause he was telling me how stressed he was over his assignments and kept saying that he was useless.. hmm i don't like this kinda guy..

but as a friend I really much wanna encourage him .. I did ..

haha .. hope he can finish his assignment projects and stuff ..

hmmm .. okay la .. that's all I guess...

-chillout

heal fast.. ?

Tue, 03 Mar 2009 16:14:59 GMT

3rd March 2009

Suddenly I realised that it was just a dream.. Well it didn't feel real anyway..

I couldn't remember his face or his voice anymore.. Not even after he spoke to me and I merely shook my head as an answer .. when I was at patrol..

I just can't remember at all..

Nothing.. Even when I hear the name Ryan.. it's just like.. hmm okayz.. yeah .. what about him ?? ..

I don't frown .. that much anymore .. I don't cry anymore .. Even though I felt that it was .. or might be the happiest times.. It's now nothing but a mere nightmare that will soon be forgotten ..

We forget our dreams once we wake up.. After the long self battle for a week .. I finally woke up .. and I told myself that I won't acknowledge the fact that I ever was him..

It didn't feel right... The year meant nothing to him.. Neither would it to me any longer..

I'm just making my final rants here and there before I totally shut down this topic.. =]

I'm kinda sick and tired of people asking me what happened and all .. or why.. It's all blury to me now .. and I really can't remember why .. The only reason that struck my head was cause he don't love me any longer..

So please do not probe me any further.. You can always go get the distorted and selfish 'facts' from him .. leave me alone ppl ..

from 90 ~ 85 % of him.. to nothing more than a mere name .. in my mind.. that's how badly I got hurt.. how much I loved him..

I'm moving on ..

I've brought back my smiles.. I've brought back my activeness..

I surround myself with positive people .. I'm happy once again.. I won't allow anyone to take away my smiles..

I'm planning to go bagpacking with Nette.. !! so looking forward to it .. it's too bad we never got a trip together.. perhapes with his next playmate..

I sincerely wish him good luck. goodbye.

I've returned all his promises to me .. deleted them all.. removed all the things he gave me.. (except clothes haha sry..) and totally erased his existance.. Hopefully he will stop lying and cheating on the next girl he dates.. and not give her promises that he will never do.. or keep..

The End.

-chillout

oh man..

Mon, 02 Mar 2009 11:53:05 GMT

2nd March 2009

My world is falling apart..

I thought I was strong..But I'm falling apart all over again.. All for a bastard ..

What am I doing ?.. Why is this happening to me ? One shit after another.. One problem after another.. And I think I'm most probably gonna be sacked .. Haiz..

I don't know why .. I deserved all of these nor did I ask for it ..

I gave him my all.. my hundred percent.. my whole heart.. I gave him a life.. but my life is drained away ..

I really hope I can get my act together soon..

-chillout

volleyball

Sat, 28 Feb 2009 16:15:32 GMT

28th Febuary 2009

WOAH !! I haven't had so much fun since ages le .. and I'm really very very very very very very happy !!! woohoooo...

Had lessons today ... damn I was tired.. BUT it's really motivating .. =] and then I met up with Charlieboyy at Vivo and to Sentosa at Siloso for volleyball !!!

but damn sian la the weather it rained 4 times or more .. heavily at least thrice.. zzz.. but we still had fun in the rain la .. it's the first time I played volleyball.. and they said I was really good.. weren't afraid of the ball .. could hit ... but I just wasn't able to lock my arms la .. haha .. practice practice.., =]

SET !! every SAT is volleyball day after class !! woo.. =]

I havn't really smiled, had fun and laughed for ages le ..

I'm been trying so hard to please someone .. haha .. for what ??.. it's okay now .. =] I don't really care anymore le..

plus .. it's really really amazing !! haha .. I've got dates !! wahaha .. I can't believe it .. I'm really so happy hehe ..

I've removed almost every single signn of him le .. I think I just have ONE thing to try to get pass.. that is seeing him.. haha

but I think it's fine la .. I have friends too .. =] everyone else is saying that they'll be there.. I'm so glad.. haha .. thanks everyone ..

thanks everyone who consoled me .. watched me made myself ugly and cry like crazy .. haha .. but it's really all over le .. really really really le.. haha I'm not lying to myself le.. I'm not yearning anymore le.. Cause I know at least I've done all I could I did my best..=]

hehe .. Looking forward to so many things .. haha ..

dates.. volleyball sessions.. school.. friends.. hiphop.. language.. weehee~

-chillout